- He's leaving on a jet plane, or so I hope.
- July 3rd, 2013
Justin is due to leave Taipei in nine hours. Yay!
Earlier this week he said that he went to the government offices and they did stuff and things in preparation for him to leave. As an aside, he told me that government staff in charge of foreigners working/studying/visiting in Taiwan literally handle official paperwork by taking photocopies of stuff and things, and then cutting up pertinent parts (with scissors) and sticking them (with glue) onto official documents. It's first grade arts and crafts over there every day, all day.
I can just imagine those job interviews.
Interviewer: How did you do in first grade art class?
Hopeful cutter and gluer: Outstanding!
Interviewer: Would you say you can cut a straight line?
Hopeful cutter and gluer: When I'm sober, yes.
Interviewer: And how would you rate your gluing skills?
Hopeful cutter and gluer: I can glue the shit out of that son of a bitch!
Interviewer: And can you speak English at all?
Hopeful cutter and gluer: Not a fucking word!
Interviewer: You're hired!
So he gets a call from the cut and glue division of the government two days ago saying 'There's a problem with your paperwork.' and I'm all, 'Oh my god they're not going to let him leave! China has overthrown the Taiwanese government and...sealed off the island! And. He's...stuck there. Forever!'
Then yesterday he said that they had just stamped the wrong date on his paperwork, so he had to go traipsing back there to have that amended.
Which leads me to believe that they didn't cover 'How accurate are you in stamping dates?' in the job interview.
As an aside, these are the same people who registered his official address incorrectly, which came in very handy when he got a parking ticket last week. Not deliverable - not going to pay it.
So, back to that job interview:
Interviewer: How good are you at transcribing addresses?
Hopeful cutter and gluer: I'm numerically dyslexic.
Interviewer: Still hired!
As an aside aside, when he told me that he was stunned that he even got a parking ticket, I said, 'I thought you could hang a scooter off a light post and that would be perfectly legal.' and he said, 'It is, I've seen it done.'
He logs onto Skype an hour ago, and he tells me that he can't check in with the airline online and print his boarding pass.
And you know? Jesus Christ!
Normally, I would say no big deal, but right now? Not so much.
The universe is conspiring against me and giving me palpitations and an eye twitch and it's only 4:30 am.
I am picturing him at the airport trying to board an Asian airline that will bring him to Seoul and he'll say 'I couldn't check in online and print my boarding pass.' And they're going to say, 'Show me your paperwork.'
He'll bust out his stamped and cut and glued...mess, and they'll say, in Mandarin, 'Here's your problem. See this patch of paper right here? It wasn't cut in a straight line.'
Now, if this was me, I'd say something along the lines of, 'Mother of fuck!' but this is my son who never swears (Seriously, he never swears. How is it possible that he's my son?) and he'll say something like, 'I have a Fiskers paper cutter in my messenger bag. I'll correct the misalignment.'
He'll be home for eight weeks IF he manages to get on that god damned plane which takes off with or without him in now less than nine hours and counting.
So, IF he gets here, he'll arrive in Montreal at 9:00 pm tomorrow and give me a Samsung Galaxy cell phone which costs $350 here and which he paid $115 for in Taipei.
As another aside, he told me that it's completely ridiculous how much stuff is available in Taiwan. He wanted to buy shoes and the store had 8000 different styles and he walked out without shoes because of shoe oversaturation. I asked him to buy me some fabric and he walked into a store that had an ocean of fabric and he just stood there saying 'The ocean is made out of fabric. Who knew?' Same goes for electronics. He said there is an electronics mall that's the size of four giant Canadian malls, and all they sell is shiny techno. It's his favourite place in Taipei, he goes there and drools out the side of his mouth with a blank stare chanting 'Nirvana. Niiiiirvaaaaaaannnnnnnaaaaaaaa!'
Fun fact: There are more 7-11 stores per capita in Taiwan than any other place on earth. That's a lot of Twinkies.
I was all set and ready to buy a cell phone and at the last second as I was just about to hand over $350, I said to myself, I said, 'Self. What the hell? Justin< is in Taipei, the capital city of way cheaper stuff and things!' So I asked him if he would mind doing me a favour and buying me a cell phone, and he said, 'Hell yes! Trip to the electronics mall? Oh hell yes!'
On Friday he will probably be unconscious for much of the day, trying to adjust to the twelve hour time difference. On Saturday I'm having a backyard barbecue where my family and his father's family will be hugging the crap out of him and saying stuff like, 'My god, you've lost a lot of weight! You could totally pass as Asian!' and 'Say something in Mandarin!'
On Sunday he'll possibly nurse a hangover. On Monday he starts a full time job at McGill University. Yes, his entire 'vacation' will be spent working full time just like his 'year off' from learning stuff and things was spent working full time.
This kid. He wouldn't know how to relax if relax hit him upside the head.